The knowledge: how to be happy

from the Telegraph

Does contentment always seem just out of reach? The world-renowned clinical psychologist and writer Dorothy Rowe can help you to find it within

Be realistic Stop thinking that happiness is a 'thing' you can make a goal – it's not. Being happy is an emotion. We can't will it into existence just by wanting to feel it, any more than we can make ourselves feel sad or angry. Happiness is a by-product of what we do

Know the Enemy If you want to be happy, try to identify the conditions that make you feel the opposite. When we feel happy, we're subconsciously saying to ourselves that we feel safe and comfortable in our surroundings – it is the opposite of feeling frightened
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Interpretation is key It is not what happens to you that leads you to be happy or unhappy, but how you interpret it. My entire professional career is spent reminding people of this. You can decide how to perceive a personal disaster – as a punishment? Sheer chance? Or a challenge you can master? You have complete freedom to choose

Be open-minded There is no one 'right' way of seeing events. Good therapy brings about a realisation that everything we know about the world and ourselves is simply an idea that we have created – and if we have created this idea, we are also free to change it

Accept Yourself It's become a cliché, but it's vital to realise that how we feel about ourselves is central to everything we do. If we are to be happy, we must first learn to like, value and care for ourselves. This is easy to say and hard to do – but learn to accept yourself, and the rest will follow.

Judge Yourself Fairly Be reasonable! Don't judge yourself more harshly than you would anyone else, and stop listening to the inner critic that says you are unworthy. If someone compliments you, accept it

Let Go of Guilt I always say to my clients that the church keeps me in business. All religions encourage us to think that we are not good enough, and society pressures us in the same way. Guilt is something we are taught as children, and it is hard for us to unlearn it – but we can choose to do so

Simple Pleasures Recognise what gives you pleasure, and make time for it – especially if you don't enjoy your work. Ride a bike, spend an evening with friends, or simply stop and stand in your garden. And if going to the gym makes you miserable, don't go

Finding a Balance Let go of the idea that there is a definitive 'balance' to strive for: that alone is enough to make you unhappy! Sometimes you will need to concentrate on work, sometimes on your family – it's a matter of recognising what is appropriate at the time, and not using one as an excuse for avoiding the other

Relax around others Self-consciousness very quickly becomes self-absorption. If all you are thinking about is whether someone likes you or not, it's impossible to pay full attention to what they are actually saying, or feeling. Stop worrying, and start listening